pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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