I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Randomize
