ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I can text with my tongue
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
