Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
