I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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