apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my shit smells like andre
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
