Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
