My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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