My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
