you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
