Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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