Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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