i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize