oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
