3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
