I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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