he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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