The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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