Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
