apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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