I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
