did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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