Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
