After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
