Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
