he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
