I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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