I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Randomize
