I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
