im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
