So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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