Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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