i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
