i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
