The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
