I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
