Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
