I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
