I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
