YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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