I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
But theres a keg here and me gusta
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
