I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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