Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
