i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
