you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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