I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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