well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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