Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
