i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
