i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
