I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
