I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
