last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
