my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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