i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
