Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
