I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
