Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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