I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
